That's what I tell
I'm proud of you
for showing up.
There is regret
and it hurts
but I tell myself
its not you
its not real
and soon I'll believe it
I'll believe it
because are that
are good things
that shows us
a new thing
that we are
; we are
full of courage
and whats the most important?
We showed up.
No matter how it looked.
How does one take something out of their heart, their soul, their whimsical mind and make it their reality?
How do you answer when people, fellow human beings ask you what you want to do with your life? They want something perfectly curated and summed up - they want satisfying answers - yet we dreamers, we can’t give you that.
We have ideas and hopes and visions beyond ourselves, we want to extract and create the beauty from the world and ourselves. It’s difficult. You want to explain the depths of your heart, your closely-only-prayed-about-and-not-shared-with-people-ambitious-dreams.
Some spur me on, us on. They say ‘Yes, go for it. Go after your dreams’ ..And others. They give you this blank stare like ‘the world doesn't owe anything to you.. who do you think you are?
And theres those times that you tuck your soul dreams tighter into your heart and you think in your mind of what small talk you can come up with because honestly its sometimes extremely hard to put your dreams on a plate and show them to find that people…people don't like it when you put yourself out thereeeee.
I live in my head a lot. And my heart to. It can be beautiful and sometimes brutal. Sometimes both. I feel paralyzed. All these soul dreams, these longings to tell my story, to love others, to write, to talk about God and how He loves, how He is the kindest, most beautiful friend, mother, father, brother, protector, comforter, advocate and lover you will ever have.
That He's not up in the clouds, waiting for you to get it together. I don't know. I must jump.. But this yucky stuff, this anxiety, this fear. It shows up. Again and again.
But we must jump, we must dare to keep dreaming because friend, the world needs dreamers, the world needs doers, the world needs you.
So dream, do and love.
To do justice for you, for them, for us, to love kindness for all, to walk humbly with our God.
Wondering what the next day will hold, the next week, the next month, the next year, the next decade. And wondering what God has in store for you, wondering if you're on the right path, or you're merely living without a purpose. ambling along like everyone else yet you know that you need to believe that you are part of God’s plan and that this life isn't all there is.
When you don’t want to merely exist; you want to live. You want to inspire, create and live with purpose. There will always be doubt and fear; those are from the enemy and you have to constantly remind yourself that God is with you.
When you are surrounded by such a cacophony of chaos - you have to remind yourself of who you are and whose you are. Without that knowledge; life isn’t worth living. There isn’t purpose.
I choose purpose.
There is this one particular day that still rises to the surface of my memories quite often. We were at the workshop on our old farm. I was about 9 and I wanted something. I had seen the baby rabbits at school and decided I needed rabbits. I had happened to be with my dad while he was working. I would work hard to not be obvious, but as a young girl following him around all day he got my deeper meaning.
We were standing outside the office watching the workers run to and from. Hammering, fixing and there were always some that were lazing around rather than working. Dad finally looked down at me and brought up the rabbits. “Stace, I have one condition if we do get you rabbits.” He said very thoughtfully. I was intrigued but no less ecstatic and excitedly replied “Of course dad, I will do anything.” He smiled at me and said softly “Okay, I want you to promise me that you will make an effort to be happier and to smile more. No more sad Stacey. I want you to be content my girl.”
At the time, I had thought that this was so effortless. That dad was being silly and strangely sentimental. But it only later struck me and touched me that it did mean that much to him. My happiness and my stability meant that much to him.
This thought only occurred to me about a year and a half after his accident. I was hiking up the Nardousberg Mountains on a 21 day camping trip. And this memory struck me - I only caught the deeper meaning seven years later. These were the times that my soul, heart and spirit cherish.