Pitter patter. Pitter patter.
Its pouring now.
Onto the pavement.
Whoosh, the wind is howling.
It is mighty.
You hear the rain on days like these.. and a gentle peace settles over your soul. It is welcome. You take a breath in..and out. I think to myself why are there days that rain feels so needed? Maybe its because the ground is parched and has been waiting for some drops of water to bring it back to life. Maybe its because when it really pours down, you feel that it is letting go, it is letting it all out. Much like us, it needs to release its angst, its weariness, its tiredness, its enoughness.
It reminds us that life can be really hard and that sometimes a release is just what is needed.
Because sometimes the sun feels obnoxious when the whole world is hurting. The sun can feel somewhat like putting a bandaid on a gunshot saying "You're fine, don't draw too much attention to yourself."
I sometimes feel a struggle in my soul. Somedays I feel as light as a feather, other days I feel shame setting in. I feel it taunting me, I get moody, I withdraw. It makes the shame worse. I want to sleep the day away.
It feels exhausting putting a face on when your soul is hurting. It feels fake to be so weary but answering "I'm good, how are you?" ..so as to not burden the person asking the question. It gets tiring. This mentality of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps, get on with it".
I'm not sure where we get this mentality that God flinches when we talk about uncomfortable things. Jesus sees it all. He sees whats on our heart before we even consciously perceive it. Every thought. Every intention. I've found such freedom in bringing every thought, every emotion, every intention to Abba. He sees it all & loves us despite of all of the muck, all the yucky stuff we don't want anyone else to see. Our father sees. And He wants us to bring it to Him. Processing with Him is the most beautiful thing we can do. He wants all of us. Not just the tidy parts.
I feel lighter these days. I feel like I'm seeing the world with more colour. I notice and thank Jesus for the love notes in form of friends, 'coincidences', answered prayers, memories, songs & seeing long ago friends. The cloud feels like its lifting. For the first time in a few months, years even. I feel like I'm returning to myself, I feel like a kid again. Laughing, finding delight, my heart is so happy. And I feel grateful for the rain & I'm beginning to welcome the sun, in its glory. It breathes hope these days.
There are times. Last night even. That it feels like the cloud has come back. I have nightmares & it feels like I've lost myself. I've lost my dad all over again.
I ask friends for prayer. I breathe. I thank Jesus that He is always so close. I whisper 'help' to Abba. He holds me close. I feel loved. I feel adored. And when I feel so shaken, He comforts. It doesn't always go fully away. But I see his fingerprints and His love everywhere these days. And when I don't I seek it out. I seek beauty. I look over journals and see how He has his hands all over my life. And that even when I falter, even when I stuff up, even when I feel the cloud coming back, even when I miss my dad with everything I am, even when I can't get out of bed... -
He whispers to my soul "You don't ever have to do this alone, I'm right here. I never left' And I smile because loving Jesus is the best adventure I've ever had and He sees it all and loves me still. Delights in me even. I feel seen. I feel heard. I feel close to my Abba. I feel Holy Spirit all around. I stop in awe at how good Jesus is. He keeps getting better and better. Or maybe I'm just learning to see Him better and He was this amazing the whole time?
At first I was numb, dazed, confused
Three seconds later it was like a knife down my throat
Cutting me from the inside and out
Will I? Will we be able to withstand this?
Oh the pain of losing someone; you cannot fathom
They tell me it was an accident
Cups of tea to soothe the pain
Tissues all around us, just dry up all your tears
But you see I haven’t stopped crying since
Your whole world changes,
Waking up day after day in agony
While the rest of the planet moves on to day to day life
Flinging “You’re so strong” comments into the air; missing my broken, bleeding heart
P.S this is the about the day of my dads accident. I have my down days like any of us but I don't feel the way I did years ago. :) I am however very familiar with pain and still working through things. I struggle with my bit of anxiety & depression. More on that to come.