Surprised, to say the least.
I was believing another story.
Scared of what they would think.
But the words came out of my mouth, quite slowly and with a little bit of fear - 'I have started going to a therapist'.
The look on their face was not one that made me cringe or want to hide, the look they gave me was one of compassion, relief and empathy. They gave me a look that said I am so glad / Good for you / I am so proud of you.
It was one of those rare times where you feel seen and known and cared about to the very core of your being.
I wanted to forever imprint that memory onto my heart.
One of the most vulnerable things you can do is to say you're not okay. To ask for help. To tell someone how you are doing.
I went to a counsellor for a few years in high school after my dads accident and didn't really give two cents about what people thought about it. I wanted to get help. I wanted to heal. The gift of being able to pour out my heart, my ugliness, my doubt, my scary thoughts or my wrestle with faith after losing someone was one of the best things I've ever received.
This time feels a little different. There's this thought that comes up that says - 'You should be over this by now. Its been X many months, years, whatever. Why are you not over it?'
And these past few weeks, particularly this last week - I have had so many people approach me, thank me and love me. They've told me stories of their struggles, they've called me or messaged me or stopped me in the middle of an ordinary day and said thank you. There have also been people that have loved me, that have not run away but actually leaned in closer. And those people are a gift.
Two things for you today.
1. Hold onto those moments where it feels that Heaven has just collided into earth, they are rare and a gift. When hard times come, when trials feel like all you are facing right now. REMEMBER that time that someone hugged you when you needed it. When you felt someone understood exactly what you were trying to say. When you felt loved and cared for. When someone appreciated you and your impact in the world.
They are few and far between. In the hard times, is when we most need to hold onto those gifts. Write them down. Hold them close. And when you feel that you are alone and the only one struggling, call to mind a recent time where you felt you saw the face of God in a friend or a stranger. Hug that beauty tightly.
2. Ask for help. Let people in. BE vulnerable, get small, ask for prayer or a hug. Do not be afraid to say how you are really doing. Do this with safe people.
It doesn't happen everyday, so I cherish it when it does but I have had a few people in the last few months tell me how thankful they are for my vulnerability, I have seen people who are more able to be vulnerable because they have felt safe with me or they have seen my healing because of my openness. Nothing you ever do goes to waste, and sometimes you never see what comes out of it.
Sometimes it takes years to see if your kindness actually did anything for someone, but it is always always always worth it. Every single thing you do and word you say matters. Even if it seems that no one sees, or that it doesn't make a dent. I promise you this, it matters. It matters so much.
So ask for help, and see how many other people pop out of the woodworks needing help to. See how loved you actually are. Because you are, far more than you could grasp. Healing happens when its put into the light. Shame cannot exist in the light.