You're not enough.
You're too much.
These two evil 'friends' of ours that often come and taunt and tease and wrestle with each other, about which one it is this time.
Why did you say that? Why aren't you more interesting? Why do you always have to make things so deep? Why can't you just laugh and have fun?
Why did you have to bring that up? Why did you ask such a personal question? Why did you share about your dad agaiiiiin? Why did you tell them you were struggling with anxiety and in counselling?
You're too broken. And you're not interesting. What would they want in you? Why do you stick around?
Look at how well-liked they are, how loved they are, how good they are at this and how passionate they are about that.
These are just a few of the questions and thoughts that have been rattling around in my mind since a conversation with a friend of mine.
It seems the worst when you have those thoughts when its someone you care about. Someone you respect and admire, someone who makes you want to be a better person just because of their sheer joy, their zest for life and their confidence.
It was a great conversation, and there was no reason or any indication that my friend was not having as good a time as I was. We are two broken people spending time together talking and laughing and going deep and resurfacing light. It was good. And needed.
And after we said goodbye and went our separate ways, some new thoughts came up - I wonder if they ever have those thoughts? I wonder if they maybe are thinking a few of those thoughts after just having been with me?
As quick as those thoughts came, I brushed them away. Because I mean they're way more interesting and confident - of course they aren't thinking that.
See what I mean?
Maybe you don't struggle with those kinds of thoughts. Especially if you know its someone who cares about you. Who wanted to meet up with you to connect. Who asks how they can pray for you. And who genuinely has an interest in your life, in who you are and who you're becoming.
But I am guessing thats not the case. For most of us at least.
We all battle with those thoughts. Again and again and again.
Each time we must say no, we stand firm in what we know is truth.
That you are worthy and loved. That you are just as interesting in your own right. That you have fought hard and long to unravel layers to get to your truest, most courageous self. That you have a smile that lights up a space and facial expressions that make even the saddest person want to laugh.
That you are your own person on your own journey.
I used to fight so hard, I used to wrangle them to the ground and say NO, this is not me, this is not true, it is not pure or lovely or noble.
I am not thinking about such things.
But that often left me exhausted and bruised and tired.
So I try observing my thoughts instead, I try observing my feelings to. They are not absolute truth but they lead us to the root, to the part of us that is believing a lie. They are triggers that help us cover ourselves with truth again.
I also ask this question -
'Do I want this to become a part of me?'
Your thoughts affect you. Mentally, emotionally, physiologically. I could go on and on. But the point is what we think, becomes what we do and becomes who we are. If I think to myself often enough that I am not as interesting or as vibrant as someone else - that quickly becomes my reality.
I used to be quite accident-prone, nothing serious but I often had a bruise, or a scrape down my leg. I made a decision to no longer label myself like that. It used to be cute. In hindsight it was silly.
However, we to truly embrace who we are - we must accept who we were to.
The more I called myself something, they more I became it. If I constantly thought I wasn't good at something, it became truth. If I called myself too sensitive - I began to unhealthily identify myself as that. I am sensitive, I am a deep feeling person but thats not all I am. Thats not the truest thing about me.
What is it that you're believing? What lie keeps resurfacing? The lie that comes no matter how hard you fight? What are you believing? What are you living into?
If you know me well - you know I struggle and have struggled with direction for a very long time. It is still something I get quite embarrassed about, I'm in my 20's and I get lost. I often forget where the car is parked or where a particular shop is in a mall.
Different corners and places look the same to me, they get all jumbled up. You could almost say I'm dyslexic with places. I don't know. That's probably not a thing. But you get the idea?
We live into what we think about ourselves, what we think about others, what we think of the past, present and future. And I would argue the most important - what we think about God. All of these shape us into the people we are.
You are interesting. You are worthy. You are the 'man' or the 'woman'. You have flaws, you have strengths, you have gifts and you can make something beautiful with your life, everyday.
You don't have to prove yourself. Just relax into who you are. Don't worry about who you're not.
We are all broken. We're all a little weary and messy and confused at times.
But we're journeying together. And its quite a maze, but its beautiful and holy and right. And we get to call each other to the truth every single day.
More beauty, more truth, more grace, more love. More standing up for what is right.
More of that.