The memory has been swirling around in my mind, it felt like a pretty significant moment but when it came to it, I didn't know what to say, what to do. You wrote on the back of some piece of paper and handed it to me - I was so curious I looked quickly and what was written surprised me. It said "Will you tell me about God?" I remember going to your room and sitting on your bed, its not clear in my mind what I said. I was really mad at myself because I felt I didn't come across well or how I meant to.
I sometimes wonder if you remember that moment. I wonder why you asked the question. I think the reason its stuck with me is because what I would do or say now has changed so much. I know less and I think thats maturity. I'm still wondering about it myself, God, existence, all of it. It would probably terrify my 17 year old self to know that I don't have all the answers.
I've had a few mystical experiences. I've felt what I would call God's presence. I've seen beautiful and incredible things, but I'm not sure about a lot of things I used to believe. I cringe when I think about some of my behaviour, my opinions. I had a weird vision of what it meant to be a good girl. I was so scared of disappointing people. My mum. My dad. (Still feel like I'm trying to make him proud of me.)
L, you and I were never the best of friends but I always thought so well of you. I admired your love for the arts. Your intelligence astounded me. At times I felt intimidated. I related to you in a lot of ways, and yet we were different in a lot of ways.
I'm not quite sure what my objective of this letter is. I just wanted to reach out somehow. To let you know that like you, I am figuring this out. And I'm sorry if I ever hurt your vision of God. Because these days I am unsure of a lot. Most things actually. But it turns out it is really freeing. Really truly freeing.
I don't pretend to know the truth of the cosmos. I don't. Truth is none of us do. Its strange how sure some people seem to be. I think its BS now. I trust more easily - those that can say "I don't know."
Honesty is the most important thing. If you can't be honest, you can't show up with the truth of you.
I offer you my rambling thoughts, in hopes that they'll meet you where you are.
P.S I still have that note. I found it cleaning out some things. It made me smile. Sending love.