Hello fine people!
I've avoided writing publicly for a good while and well it is because I have had a heck of a lot going on in this little head and heart - it is also because I was afraid of exposure, of judgement and of not being accepted. You see I have changed, so so much. Of course I am still me at my core, but there has been a heck of a lot of unbecoming, of working through trauma, of healing and growing. I feel more myself than I ever have. The only way I know how to do this writing thing is through telling the truth, of being as honest as I can be.
I fear that people are not going to like it. We all mould and shape ourselves into what we think is impressive. It is terrifying to actually show up as your honest and truest self. I have felt like a misfit a lot of my life. More sensitive. More emotional. More soft. Always envying those that looked like they moved through the world with such ease and confidence. I've felt different all my life, why would I want to do or say things that would make me that much more of an anomaly? I love the fact that people cannot put me in a box, and yet a lot of the time the light on me because of my differences is suffocating. I am a free-spirit at heart. I have always gone towards the unconventional side of things. That terrifies people. And honestly it terrifies me sometimes, and despite my draw towards melancholy - I am an optimistic person. Even in the darkest seasons, there has always been somewhat of a glimmer shining up ahead.
I mentioned trauma earlier, and maybe I will go into more details in the future. I want people to find resonance with me but not at cost of my own mental health. I have battled depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I have had traumatic things happen to me that have changed me. I have been seeing a counsellor for the better part of 5 years, on and off since 15. I do not say these things to get sympathy. I simply want to tell the truth. And to no longer feel I have to hide the things that have made me me. My weaknesses as society sees them are actually my greatest gifts. I feel so much and hold a lot of empathy within me. I pay attention. I cry a lot. And I laugh even more. I am a well of deep thoughts. I am incredibly loyal to my people. I see sadness, and I also see so much beauty.
I know now that when people are being unkind and hurting others it is because they are not at peace with themselves. When your regular emotions or boundaries trigger them its because they have not yet learnt how to deal with their own. Gossip is how we make ourselves feel better by talking sh*t about others.
I will never be as impressive as I want to seem. And I am finally making peace with the fact that I would rather be known and loved by a few than not truly known and yet admired by many.
I want to show up as me. On the page and in my life. With all the truth and beauty I can find. And not without imperfections and quirks and some mess, because I am human - just like you.
So it is going to get real, sometimes raw and I will always be as honest as I can be. You be you, I'll be me. Hopefully this will continue to be a space where you resonate with me. And where you can find space to breathe. I'm with you, on the journey. Sending all the love I have to you, sweet friend.