You're not enough.
You're too much.
These two evil 'friends' of ours that often come and taunt and tease and wrestle with each other, about which one it is this time.
Why did you say that? Why aren't you more interesting? Why do you always have to make things so deep? Why can't you just laugh and have fun?
Why did you have to bring that up? Why did you ask such a personal question? Why did you share about your dad agaiiiiin? Why did you tell them you were struggling with anxiety and in counselling?
You're too broken. And you're not interesting. What would they want in you? Why do you stick around?
Look at how well-liked they are, how loved they are, how good they are at this and how passionate they are about that.
These are just a few of the questions and thoughts that have been rattling around in my mind since a conversation with a friend of mine.
It seems the worst when you have those thoughts when its someone you care about. Someone you respect and admire, someone who makes you want to be a better person just because of their sheer joy, their zest for life and their confidence.
It was a great conversation, and there was no reason or any indication that my friend was not having as good a time as I was. We are two broken people spending time together talking and laughing and going deep and resurfacing light. It was good. And needed.
And after we said goodbye and went our separate ways, some new thoughts came up - I wonder if they ever have those thoughts? I wonder if they maybe are thinking a few of those thoughts after just having been with me?
As quick as those thoughts came, I brushed them away. Because I mean they're way more interesting and confident - of course they aren't thinking that.
See what I mean?
Maybe you don't struggle with those kinds of thoughts. Especially if you know its someone who cares about you. Who wanted to meet up with you to connect. Who asks how they can pray for you. And who genuinely has an interest in your life, in who you are and who you're becoming.
But I am guessing thats not the case. For most of us at least.
We all battle with those thoughts. Again and again and again.
Each time we must say no, we stand firm in what we know is truth.
That you are worthy and loved. That you are just as interesting in your own right. That you have fought hard and long to unravel layers to get to your truest, most courageous self. That you have a smile that lights up a space and facial expressions that make even the saddest person want to laugh.
That you are your own person on your own journey.
I used to fight so hard, I used to wrangle them to the ground and say NO, this is not me, this is not true, it is not pure or lovely or noble.
I am not thinking about such things.
But that often left me exhausted and bruised and tired.
So I try observing my thoughts instead, I try observing my feelings to. They are not absolute truth but they lead us to the root, to the part of us that is believing a lie. They are triggers that help us cover ourselves with truth again.
I also ask this question -
'Do I want this to become a part of me?'
Your thoughts affect you. Mentally, emotionally, physiologically. I could go on and on. But the point is what we think, becomes what we do and becomes who we are. If I think to myself often enough that I am not as interesting or as vibrant as someone else - that quickly becomes my reality.
I used to be quite accident-prone, nothing serious but I often had a bruise, or a scrape down my leg. I made a decision to no longer label myself like that. It used to be cute. In hindsight it was silly.
However, we to truly embrace who we are - we must accept who we were to.
The more I called myself something, they more I became it. If I constantly thought I wasn't good at something, it became truth. If I called myself too sensitive - I began to unhealthily identify myself as that. I am sensitive, I am a deep feeling person but thats not all I am. Thats not the truest thing about me.
What is it that you're believing? What lie keeps resurfacing? The lie that comes no matter how hard you fight? What are you believing? What are you living into?
If you know me well - you know I struggle and have struggled with direction for a very long time. It is still something I get quite embarrassed about, I'm in my 20's and I get lost. I often forget where the car is parked or where a particular shop is in a mall.
Different corners and places look the same to me, they get all jumbled up. You could almost say I'm dyslexic with places. I don't know. That's probably not a thing. But you get the idea?
We live into what we think about ourselves, what we think about others, what we think of the past, present and future. And I would argue the most important - what we think about God. All of these shape us into the people we are.
You are interesting. You are worthy. You are the 'man' or the 'woman'. You have flaws, you have strengths, you have gifts and you can make something beautiful with your life, everyday.
You don't have to prove yourself. Just relax into who you are. Don't worry about who you're not.
We are all broken. We're all a little weary and messy and confused at times.
But we're journeying together. And its quite a maze, but its beautiful and holy and right. And we get to call each other to the truth every single day.
More beauty, more truth, more grace, more love. More standing up for what is right.
More of that.
I hear the rushing
of your wings
not afraid of
to breathe like
you have magic
in your spirit
because you are
and you are
of inspired dust
in this universe
this 'one sentence' work of
the earth is just
you live and believe
as if you and him
and her and us
are all just pure fairy dust
walking each other home
Often, when you feel resistance towards something - its even more important that you do it. When you feel resistance is when something can be changed, something can be shifted. If you're feeling the resistance, there is a good chance its something you need to do, you must do.
If it requires all of you, it is hard but so worth it.
I often think in terms of past, present and future self. I am loving myself well when I can do something hard now knowing that I am setting my future self up for a win. Be it moving your body or telling a friend the truth, you will never regret doing the difficult but needed thing.
Going after what you want, being the best version of you is not a piece of cake. It is an incredibly difficult feat. It's easy to set goals but not to follow them through. You must daily, daily choose to do the best you can. Its easy to 'follow the crowd', to complain, to not tell the truth, to manipulate.
But you have dreams and plans and goals and they will not magically land in your lap. Anything worth doing requires work and discipline. We must be willing to put it in.
And rest to, thats just as hard. To slow down, to be quiet, to pay attention to what is going on underneath.
We often think we need to harden up against life, we need to get tough and strong and fearless.
I no longer think this is the case, I think the best solution, (the harder one) is to release, to surrender, to let go, to soften. I think the bravest choice is to get small and vulnerable, to actually ask for help.
When we ask for help, we are reminded of our humanity, our need for community. We cannot do this thing alone. We are in this together, and too often we get hurt when we fail to recognise this.
I, on a regular basis - embarrass myself, put myself out there and make myself vulnerable and it doesn't always go well. But I always have this to hold on to - if I just help one person through 'putting myself out there' that will be enough.
There is enough for all of us. Love multiplies, it doesn't work like finite things do, where there is a limited number and once its all gone, its all gone. NO more. Sorry, try again tomorrow.
My brother and I equally adored each other and fought with each other when we were little. (Still do most days, but hey there has been some maturing ;) ) We were really good sharers, particularly with food. I have a memory of us sitting down on the lounge room floor splitting a smarties box. One for you, one for me, and so we would choose on our turn until the box was empty. We'd be happy and satisfied that we each had an equal amount (and if there was an odd one - mum would get it)
My point? Life doesn't work like that with love, with trust, with belonging. Most of the time it actually multiplies, I can't hog love - I can give you love out of the overflow I've been given. It doesn't work like a box of smarties. One for you, one for me and on and on. We cannot measure the most important things in life.
They require attention, evaluation and effort.
And at the end of the day, those things are always worth it.
This is written according to my musings and experience - in no way I am trying to attack or offend; only to give a perspective and provoke some thinking about this subject.
You want to kick and scream don't you?
But you've been told that little girls should nod and keep their lips sealed.
They should only speak when spoken to.
They should only try be the best 'whatever' for a girl, they shouldn't want to be better than the boys to.
They should laugh when boys will be boys. Little girls shouldn't feel ashamed when a boy spies on her in the shower or 'accidentally' sees up her skirt.
If they kick your chair - tell them to quit it. Loudly and with confidence.
Hah. Speak up little one. Do not nod your head and tolerate it.
You do hit, run and kick like a girl - because you are one and they can't help but be jealous of the way your eyes sparkle when you've been beaten down and choose to get back up again.
There will be good guys in your life. I repeat: there will be good guys in your life. They'll make you get out of the house when you don't want to. They'll ask you how you're doing hours, weeks and years after dads death. They'll hold you close and they'll be with you and sit with you - they'll help you find your laugh again.
They'll tease you, and challenge you. They'll be there for you. You'll be so thankful for them. It will seem like you never even met a jerk. But you did - and they are still around. They just don't bother you like they used to.
hey eyelashes and toes, fingertips and funny bone, hey hair on my head and back of my neck.
I haven't felt at home very often. I've always felt quite out of place. And I'm beginning to enjoy calling you home. I feel like we're starting to get along. We are starting to love each other. To enjoy the gift of being intricately woven as we are.
We can feel so detached? Can we not? We run and go and stop and hurry and stop and go again.
Then we stop, we cease, we begin to rest and we feel heart beating louder, louder saying "I am here, I am here. Please remember me."
When we stop, we feel tired joints and achy limbs. We feel our souls sighing and our heart beating - oh so fast.
mind affects body.
We get sick, we feel sad, we feel lost. Often it is body telling us to listen... to me.
Often body is just used as a means to get places, to do stuff.
I once heard it said so poetically: that without body - there is no touch. No hugs, no tears, no hands grasped around a table to give thanks for nourishment to our very bones and blood.
Here we are - having to face what we have been given. Make peace with body, your body. The one you've been gifted.
I know - I can almost hear you thinking.
"Easier said than done."
And I agree. It is easier to say something and not actually believe it - not actually live as if it were true.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Practice. Practice until you get it, and then practice some more - because this is a lifetime. You will not be perfect with loving body today, you will not be perfect with loving the life you were given tomorrow.
You've been given these days. To enjoy, to delight, to find hope flowing through suffering. Most of all to be of service to friends and foes, to those you love and those whom you haven't yet come to love.
This, this beautiful thing pull it out of the overflow of your heart, of what you've been given. Keep your heart soft. It is much easier to discard it - to throw away your imagination, your feelings and emotions but I want to suggest a better way.
A way that you pay attention to doubt, you let fear say what he thinks - but then (and this is important) - you take a deep breath, you seek truth and you go on your way.
it could be
from what you think
but we need you,
do not let fear win
love is near
as close as your breath
breathe in, and out
but do something
you are something
maybe silence is
we need you,
we need what you have to say
the thing you are most afraid
we are waiting
we need you
tell the truth
is the answer
but we need you to raise your voice
believe in it
you have vocal cords
make something with them
we'll be waiting
and we cannot wait
what you have to say
I often neatly wrap my words up into perfectly, curated bundles before I hand them to you. I cater and tailor them just for your hands to grasp them, for out of your mouth the Oooh's and Aaah's - at my life. There comes a point where this is dangerous. This is when I try and judge the situation and do everything I can to make sure that all is in place, shiny and sparkling before I give it to you.
Life is not neat, its not tidy. Often our stories, feelings and perspectives are flawed. They have pieces missing and scratches here and there. They are imperfect - because you are not perfect. (And side-note: no-one asked you to be.)
You are already worthy - you do not have to twist your words to fit the situation, to just emphasise this, or to tweak that to sound like you have it together. Trembling under your breath, telling yourself again and again "It's under control...I'm fine." with some "Don't worry about it - I got it." Only to later be in the shower, beating yourself up for not having it together and also wondering why you re-packaged your story yet again.
Living in relationships with others is messy. It is up to you, up to me, up to us to tell the imperfect, messy truth. Not to air out all our dirty, tired, broken pieces that we haven't yet sifted through and looked at. But rather to offer up a piece of ourselves simply trying to say "I'm doing what I can, but I'm not perfect - I am not everything you want me to be".
Honesty is hard - yes. But it will bind us up, broken pieces and all. We all need to take a breath or two. Be honest. Be true to your stories. You don't long to be impressive, you long to be loved. And you can only be loved as much as you're known.
And being known for all the shiny stuff - that isn't true belonging.
Thats where the difficulty is in our culture, it is so much about being impressive but not about being known. On many occasions I have been envious of friends, of people on the internet and what they're accomplishing and where they're traveling to - only later to have one of them fall into my arms feeling alone and not cared for or to hear about a hard, hard time in a well-known person's life.
Here's a piece of my heart friend, I went to New Zealand for a year last year. And I've found myself bringing it up whenever I felt I needed to sound a bit more impressive and it always works. I loved New Zealand, it was an incredible experience. However what I didn't add was the part about the buckets of tears I cried and the uncertainties I went through that my people prayed, thought of and stayed on the phone with me through.
You do not need to go tell everyone - everything.
Find your people, your safe group, those that you can call anytime night or day and let them sift through the broken pieces with you.
The next time you see someone on Instagram or in person and it looks like they have the perfect everything and neatly wrapped up bundles of "I've got this" - just know that that's not the whole story.
I've been away from home since I was 7. From home school to daygirl, weekly boarder to full time boarder to a year across the world in NZ. And I still struggle, I still miss the dogs constant need for attention and walks. My mum sauntering in for breakfast and asking if I want tea. To my brother and his excitement to watch a new NCIS episode with me.
The ordinary, everyday moments are those I most hold close to my heart these days. When I miss my dad, its not me wanting to be swimming with a dolphin with him (although that was AHHH-MAZING). It's rather wanting to hear the sound of his motorbike coming in for a meal, a nap or to 'puzza' some tea outside.
The memories and photos I love more than anything are the ones where my dad is holding me upside down for the dog to lick my face or when I was little and every night I would climb onto him on the couch and get a kiss and a hug before bed (or the few times when I forgot to say goodnight and he would wake me up for that everyday, ordinary but beautiful ritual).
It's times when I would hop on the kitchen freezer and talk to my mum while she cooked dinner or when dad would push my brother and I on the tyre swing with giggles and urging 'Higher dad, higher' and that feeling of childlike joy as we were swung high into the sky and down back into the safety of dads grip.
The reason this has been coming up for me is because I get wrapped up in other things, I get pulled and swayed and go along with the crowd. I spend too much time comparing and looking at the lifes of others rather than living my own life. Rather than being present in the HERE and NOW. Of putting my phone down and looking into the eyes of those around me. Words like hurry and hustle, words like chaos and control are not ones I want coming out of my life. But ones like grace, simplicity, beauty, connection and presence are the ones I want to define what others feel in my company.
I will not look back and regret having put away my phone, turning off the TV and shutting down constant noise of the internet. I will not regret going out of my way for a stranger or a friend as well as paying attention to what my body and heart needs. I will not regret caring for people and caring for myself. I will not regret working hard, resting hard, loving hard and fighting for people and things I believe in. I will not regret doing things that light me up and encouraging others to become the best versions of themselves.
I will not regret being fully alive, feeling my emotions without letting them drive me and breathing in and out; surrendering beautifully and waking up and going to sleep with intention and peace.