Showing up is hard. But whats more difficult is being seen. To show up for yourself and for loved ones is one thing, but to be seen by them is another. It is often easier to show up and not be seen. To show up with a mask.
Being seen risks rejection, it risks disappointment.
Simultaneously you feel both not enough and too much.
A psychologist I admire defines intimacy as "being fully known and fully accepted." He talks about how majority of us are one or the other. Either fully known but not fully accepted, or fully accepted but not fully known. And only in both can we truly be loved and ourselves.
I went to a psychologist for the better part of three years. And I've often been asked how I can be so open and honest with a stranger. And while it is not an easy thing - I find it much more difficult to show up and be seen with those closest to me. With a trained professional, whom is a stranger and unbiased - its much easier to talk about life, identity and relationships. With loved ones, quite the opposite. Maybe its just me, but I have a feeling not.
We want to be admired, we want to loved, we want to be seen as an amazing person - someone who doesn't struggle, someone who doesn't fall. Pride, shame sitting there telling us to just put the mask on. Things are fine. Cover it. No one wants to see the ugly.
Its much easier said than done but we all have ugly parts, secrets, things we don't want others to know or find out. Lets go first. Thus inviting others to join.
I feel a need to tie this with a bow, all pretty and cute, all solved. But most of life is questions and thoughts. So I'll leave you with this, how can you be known and seen today? How can you hold space for someone else to be known and seen? Its where intimacy is found. In friendship, in relationships, in life.