I've been away from home since I was 7. From home school to daygirl, weekly boarder to full time boarder to a year across the world in NZ. And I still struggle, I still miss the dogs constant need for attention and walks. My mum sauntering in for breakfast and asking if I want tea. To my brother and his excitement to watch a new NCIS episode with me.
The ordinary, everyday moments are those I most hold close to my heart these days. When I miss my dad, its not me wanting to be swimming with a dolphin with him (although that was AHHH-MAZING). It's rather wanting to hear the sound of his motorbike coming in for a meal, a nap or to 'puzza' some tea outside.
The memories and photos I love more than anything are the ones where my dad is holding me upside down for the dog to lick my face or when I was little and every night I would climb onto him on the couch and get a kiss and a hug before bed (or the few times when I forgot to say goodnight and he would wake me up for that everyday, ordinary but beautiful ritual).
It's times when I would hop on the kitchen freezer and talk to my mum while she cooked dinner or when dad would push my brother and I on the tyre swing with giggles and urging 'Higher dad, higher' and that feeling of childlike joy as we were swung high into the sky and down back into the safety of dads grip.
The reason this has been coming up for me is because I get wrapped up in other things, I get pulled and swayed and go along with the crowd. I spend too much time comparing and looking at the lifes of others rather than living my own life. Rather than being present in the HERE and NOW. Of putting my phone down and looking into the eyes of those around me. Words like hurry and hustle, words like chaos and control are not ones I want coming out of my life. But ones like grace, simplicity, beauty, connection and presence are the ones I want to define what others feel in my company.
I will not look back and regret having put away my phone, turning off the TV and shutting down constant noise of the internet. I will not regret going out of my way for a stranger or a friend as well as paying attention to what my body and heart needs. I will not regret caring for people and caring for myself. I will not regret working hard, resting hard, loving hard and fighting for people and things I believe in. I will not regret doing things that light me up and encouraging others to become the best versions of themselves.
I will not regret being fully alive, feeling my emotions without letting them drive me and breathing in and out; surrendering beautifully and waking up and going to sleep with intention and peace.