"I don't understand. She hasn't even had anything serious or bad happen to her. She has people who love her. I think she does it for attention." Lilly said looking at me in total confusion. "She has acted up for years. You have a reason to be sad Stacey. She doesn't. She just doesn't have an excuse for her behaviour."
Part of a conversation I had with a friend over a year ago, it still comes up in memory. And it makes me cringe - because so many people think this. And so many live in shame because they feel they don't have a "reason" to be feeling the way they do. No specific tragedy in order to allow them to go to therapy. Or ask for help. Or take meds if that is what helps them.
A different friend, a different conversation. Teri was telling me about how bad her panic attacks have been. How hard most of her childhood has been. After realising she had been telling me so much about whats going on in her heart, she looked at me embarrassed. She said something to the effect of "I don't pretend to know what real grief and pain is - you know better than anyone." While I do not wish on anyone losing a loved one. It makes me so sad that others struggle in the quiet, ashamed they don't have a "reason".
I heard of yet another suicide this past week and it broke my heart. So much death and pain. Being quiet about it is just doing no favours to anyone.
We're human. We feel. This world is a messy place.
You are allowed to ask for help. To go to counselling. For the better part of four years I went, and it was the best thing I ever could have done.
I am not out of the shadows, I'm still in the middle. Seeing more darkness than light most days. But I still try see the light, as much as I can.
Learning not to worry about what people think of my process. Or the continual, never-ending thought of being a huge burden on those who care about me most.
I am with you.
I am for you.
I am in this with you.
You are not alone.
It is going to be okay.
Comedy. Moving my body. Unfollowing people. Music, happy and sad.
Some things that are helping me.
I love you. We are going to be okay.